The Optimus Prime User's Guide
by SpiderxxChick
Summary: This is a manual on how to care for your Optimus Prime! Actual Optimus Prime not included. Hope you guys enjoy it!


**Author's Note:** Hey guys! First of all, thanks for reading my guide and second of all, I apologize for any format errors on here. FanFiction absolutely RAPED my formatting (SO MANY EFFING TIMES!!!!!) ARGH!!!!!! So angry. If I knew another site, I'd post it there, but I don't so.....Oh well. So after reformatting the entire thing (many times) here it is! Also, FanFiction won't accept strikethrough in html coding for me so I replaced the strikethrough with *'s. Let me know if you find any grammar, format or general errors. Thanks!

Oh and bonus points to anyone who gets which game I refer to indirectly several times. (It's not that hard. Really! I mean it!) XD

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**Optimus Prime – User's Guide**

Hello! We at Cybertech would like to thank you for your purchase of our Optimus Prime model. We value your time (and your energon-able sun) so if you have any problems you can call our technical service at : (insert new phone number here before sending out guide). Intergalactic phone call rates do apply.

Note: Before starting, please make sure that your Optimus Prime has arrived on a large blue and red Peterbilt 379 truck. This is to ensure the scanning of the correct alt-mode. If your Optimus Prime arrived on a Prius, we are terribly sorry. You may want to avoid things that may emasculate him further such as window stickers and fuzzy dice, as your 'Prius Prime' is most likely feeling very humiliated right now. Do you know how hard it is to lead an army of Autobots on 76 horsepower? He might as well just have Bumblebee just tow him everywhere for all the power that tiny engine gives him.

**Included in your very large box should be:**

1 Optimus Prime Protoform (Yes we know he does not look very intimidating yet. We delivered him on a giant truck for a reason. ……… You didn't read the note did you! Shame on you!)

1 Very Giant Collapsible Bed for Your Optimus Prime's Comfort

1 Lifetime Supply of Energon

We strongly advise that before you activate your Optimus Prime, you remove not only his communications box (location is noted in the attached diagram), but all breakable objects and small animals from the area. Any damage, losses, or total annihilation of a front yard caused by not doing so is entirely your fault. Your Optimus Prime is a thirty-foot –tall alien robot that has endured a very long journey to get to your house. When he wakes up, he will not particularly care if he steps on your Chihuahua, not matter how much you might.

**Warning:** Your Optimus Prime should be activated in a remote place late at night as he will not have an alt-mode when he is first activated and is sure to draw much attention. If you felt you should wake him up in the daytime in your neighborhood, please slap yourself in the face for us. The U.N. Security Counsel already had a fit when a 'loyal customer' thought it was a bright idea to tell their senator about (our sister company) Startech's Predator model – you could imagine how they would react to a giant fighting robot. Though, we assure you our reaction to such a discovery will be _much_ worse. You have been warned.

**How to Care For Your Optimus Prime Model:**

During the first few weeks, your Optimus Prime may be completely confused by his surroundings. He has never been on Earth before and will likely not know about simple things like yield signs and stop lights. If you decide not to inform your Optimus Prime about such things and you get into an accident while 'driving' him, you need not worry for his safety as your Optimus Prime is meant to withstand anything short of having things shoved into his chest. The same cannot be said for your wallet however as the other car (and driver) are likely to have been damaged beyond repair. Though it may sound cruel, we advise you to flee the scene in this instance as 'but my alien robot cab doesn't know about yield signs' is likely to get you committed.

It is recommended that you keep your Optimus Prime outside the house unless every room in your house has madly high cathedral ceilings or you happen to live in the Smithsonian Institute. Those who live in places like Alaska, Siberia and Northern Britain have obviously ignored our 'Do not order an Optimus Prime if you live in a cold climate' guideline. We set these guidelines for a reason, you know. Your Optimus Prime is, unfortunately, not cold-proof and the weather will wear on his parts over time and inevitably, freeze him to death. (You did see the movie didn't you? Did you even notice how they kept Megatron in a robot coma?!)

If you are not the person mentioned above who lives in the Arctic, then good for you! Your Optimus Prime shall be happy to simply stay outside and pose a truck all day if you are mean enough to leave him out there alone. Assuming you are indeed a kind-hearted person (though we know that's a lot to assume these days) you can care for your Optimus Prime in the daytime much as you would a regular car and enjoys being washed and waxed to a shine as well as simply letting you drive him around to run your errands. You must remember that Cybertronians are very social beings, however, and that if you choose to leave him in a parking lot for a few hours, there is a large likelihood he will not be there when you come back. If you left your Optimus Prime alone for a long period of time and cannot find him, look around the parking lot. He most likely went for a drive, then came back to find some old lady stole his parking space. He is probably disgruntled, but around the corner.

As mentioned above, your Optimus Prime is indeed a social being and will talk to you if treat him nicely. He enjoys long conversations about politics, technology, the state of world affairs, or whatever else you would like to talk about. You should be warned that although your Optimus Prime is generally agreeable, he doesn't particularly enjoy listening to one- way rants like ,"My bffl has liek-omg-left me and ran off with my bf and im soooooooo going to post this whole thing on Myspace so evryone knows about it!" and may stab a sharp object into his chest to keep from being plagued by your immaturity and overall bad grammar. We're sorry if this may hurt your feelings, but we at Cybertech can't honestly say that our reactions would be any different in that situation.

You should know that your Optimus Prime may take to you better if you are a geek rather than a typical cheerleader or other clique that really doesn't know anything about technology besides that fact that "it works". Constantly having to say "I have no clue" or "What the **** are you talking about?" will greatly lower your model's opinion of you to the point where he may start to speak very slowly and over-annunciate words. This is not a malfunction in his vocal processor, it is simply him over-compensating for your *ahem* lack of knowledge.

On a more positive note, if you befriend your Optimus Prime and have a career in engineering or future technologies of any form, good for you! With Optimus's help, you may become the most famous person in history for coming up with technologies that no one's ever even dreamed of. Yes, we know this is cheating, but how do you think things such as the light bulb were invented? You don't honestly think Thomas Edison came up with that on his own, do you? ;)

**Feeding Your Optimus Prime:**

Your Optimus Prime requires no food other than Energon to subsist, which should be given to him weekly in the rations that we have provided. Sticking to these pre-portioned rations is very important as giving him less than these rations will cause premature death, but giving him more will put your Optimus into a 'relaxed' state.

Your Optimus Prime may also need to take in water from time to time to be used as extra coolant fluid. Providing him with other liquids to use as coolant is not advisable. Yes, apple juice and vodka are two of these ill-advised coolant fluids. (You'd be surprised what kind of calls we get.)

On a related note, since your Optimus Prime will most likely be living outside, you should tell him where it is okay, and not okay to release his excess lubricant. (Even giant alien robots need a urinal to call their own.) It would be a good idea to advise him against lubricating in any bodies of water that may be near your house and also in your neighbor's garden. (Unless you hate you neighbor, then by all means, let Optimus take care of his pesky fruits and vegetables.)

**GUIDE Q & A**

**Q:** AHHHH! WHY ARE THERE TONS OF GIANT ROBOTS IN MY BACKYARD?????

**A:** You must have *_skipped over*_ forgotten that section of the guide. We advised you in lines 20-21 of this guide to remove his communication box. This was a pre-caution to make sure he did not invite all of his Autobot friends to Earth. They are all in your care now. You can find the order sheets for extra Energon attached behind the guide. Trust us: you'll need it.

**Q:** My Optimus Prime is acting……strange. He's over in my next door neighbor's yard talking uhhh,…well, _flirting_ with her pink Ducati 848 motorcycle! What do I do?

**A:** *sigh* You have obviously **NOT** read this guide and have given your Optimus Prime more Energon than recommended. In his drunken state, he has most likely mistaken your neighbor's Ducati 848 for Arcee. You may want to haul him back over to your house, _remember to follow the rations guide this time_, and hope to whatever deity you believe in that no one saw him.

**Q:** I'm kind of scared. There's this GMC black truck following me everywhere! This person won't leave me alone!

**A:** Congratulations! You have found Ironhide! You may want to introduce him to your Optimus Prime so he will have a friend to talk to. There is no need to order extra Energon since he is most likely owned by one of our other customers.

**Q:** Where is my Chihuahua?

**A:** Burial services will be arranged for your Chihuahua if you call our customer service number, however you may want to scrape what's left of him out of your Optimus's foot tread first.

**Q:** Why are all of my household appliances alive?!?!

**A:** It seems your Optimus Prime has found the AllSpark! You want to find a remote place to hide it in before your world is destroyed by the inevitable war that will follow. But take your time, there's no rush. Seriously. The Decepticons are only a few hours away.

**Q:** I'm in a parking lot and my Optimus Prime has disappeared AND my guide doesn't have a number to call for customer service. Why?

**A:** You must have received an early-print edition of our Optimus Prime guide. We had to change our phone number due to an overwhelming flood of telemarketing calls from your Earth. Our new number is 1-800-READTHEGUIDEFIRST. We think it's appropriate, don't you?

**Q:** Will you be releasing your Megatron model anytime soon?

**A:** … You really don't think we're going to sell you a Megatron model if you already have an Optimus Prime, do you? Our products were not made so you could reenact large scale '_Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots' _battles in your backyard.

**GENERAL CYBERTECH FAQ**

**Q:** Does anyone have actual human help anymore? I called your customer service and it was all computers.

**A:** You honestly don't think that humans exist all throughout the galaxy, do you? It's *bad enough* fortunate you exist on one planet. Be grateful!

**Q: **When is your product demonstration show, how can I attend and will there be food?

**A:** We are *GLaD* glad that you would like to attend our product demonstration show. Please call our customer service and press '2' at least a week before the event. On the day of the event a teleportation pad to our Product Enrichment Center will be provided. Our Product Enrichment Center is committed to the well being of all participants and thus, cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the product test.

Thank you for actually reading our Optimus Prime user guide. We hope that you consult the guide before calling our customer service hotline and also that you have a good time with your new friend! Please don't call us unless it's truly an emergency. _We're begging you._

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Please, if only for your own health. READ THE GUIDE.

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Fine. But you did know that using telephones can force your brain matter to decay………… you didn't know that? Better not use the phone then, as your brain is most likely already irreversibly damaged. Stay away from any television programs that can further damage your brain's functioning abilities such as Teletubbies and the daily news. Good bye now. And good luck with your brain problems that you wouldn't have if you actually read the guide! Thank you!

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You still want the number? Ok. It's: 1-800-HAHA-FOOLEDYOU.

Bye now!


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